


Night and Day (with your name spelled on it)

by moonlightsurfer (lightwavesurfer)



Category: BanG Dream! (Anime), BanG Dream! Girl's Band Party! (Video Game)
Genre: Gen, No Incest, Sister-Sister Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-17
Updated: 2018-06-17
Packaged: 2019-05-24 12:31:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14954754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lightwavesurfer/pseuds/moonlightsurfer
Summary: “I’ve always hated you.”Or how Sayo and Hina are not really good with words.





	Night and Day (with your name spelled on it)

Hina came to her room unannounced that night. Still wearing her practice clothes, hair ruffled up, and there’s a trace of sweat on her neck. She stared at Sayo, eyes unblinking, and words came out from her mouth with little efforts.

“I’ve always hated you.”

Sayo blinked. “What?” she asked, dryly.

“I’ve always hated you,” Hina repeated, firmer this time.

Sayo put her pen down; her brows knitted together. She remembered that she had to practice for Roselia’s new song, and there’s also her homework that needed to be done. Her head began to spin as reality started to sink in. Something caught in her throat when she finally grasped the meaning of Hina’s words.

_She hated me._

“Have you been waiting to tell me this?” Sayo asked, partially forced herself to do it. She was glad her voice didn’t stutter though.

A smile crept on Hina’s face. Sayo’s brows knitted even tighter. She couldn’t say whether she’s going to like that smile. “You don’t think I was serious when I said that, do you?”

Sayo raised a brow, “You always say dubious things and I find it difficult to understand you.”

Hina approached Sayo, practically kneeling in front of her older sister with her chin nestled comfortably on Sayo’s knees. Hina’s eyes were wide as she observed Sayo while the latter was trying hard to keep her composure because _there’s no way in hell_ she would lose her cool because of this.

“It’s a joke,” Hina added, still smiling. “I lost a bet.”

Sayo’s mouth twitched. “You’re too young to gamble, little sis.”

Hina replied with another laugh. “It’s nothing like that. I played poker with the girls today and I lost,” Hina continued. Her fingers were making a lazy pattern on the skin of Sayo’s legs. “Which is weird because I thought it’d be easy but who would’ve thought that Aya-chan was so good at it? She basically won every round!”

“Really?” Sayo stopped herself, “I mean… you said _that_ because you lost a bet?”

“Yep,” Hina continued, basically ignoring Sayo. “I know we’re not the closest sibling in the world and there are times when you literally ignore me and I have to work so hard to get your attention,” Hina sighed, pointedly missing Sayo’s stiffening body. “And what about you?”

Sayo blinked. “Huh?”

“Do you hate me?”

She’s not. Sayo never hated Hina. Because hatred was too strong, _cruel_ even. What she felt was mostly anger, jealousy, maybe there’s unhappiness, that’s why she always strived to be the best at everything she put her hands on.

Sayo briefly glanced at her guitar, then back to Hina, and her gaze dropped to the music sheet where she wrote the new guitar composition for Roselia’s new song.

“Sis?”

“You’re not making any sense,” Sayo decided, rolled her eyes, and turned back to write on her music. “Don’t waste my time on trivial things, Hina. I’m busy.”

“But I’m curious,” Hina defended herself. “It’d be really bad if you _do_ hate me, right?”

Sayo sighed, suddenly felt really exhausted. “Hina, it’s late and you’re tired. Go take a bath and have a rest. You still have school tomorrow.”

Hina puckered her lips.

“Fine,” Hina relented as she stood up. Sayo’s knees still felt a bit warm from the contact. She watched Hina as the latter made her way to the door. She was about to turn back to her music when Hina called her again.

“What?” Sayo asked back, almost biting her answer, and Hina was still smiling.

“Just so you know,” Hina scratched her cheek, “I never hate you.”

And she closed the door.

_I never hate you._

Hina said it herself. She probably didn’t understand what it meant. Maybe Hina was trying to convince herself that she didn’t hate Sayo, which was plausible, and Sayo’s heart was pounding.

She felt nauseous; it’s uneasy, poignant, and she had to keep herself from throwing up her dinner. Sayo glanced at her guitar and she remembered Hina, the hate confession, and everything that happened between them.

“As long as I can play…” she muttered, out loud, in an attempt to convince herself that nothing else was matter.

 

*

 

She continued playing her guitar.

In fact, that’s the only thing that had been keeping her sane these days. She played her guitar well, she already memorized the song, and she even challenged herself to improvise. Basically, she tried to keep it simple, to focus on what’s important, because personal things were just a hinder and she had her own standards to fulfill.

“Need a help opening that bottle?”

Lisa nudged her shoulders and Sayo realized that she’d been holding the water bottle for a while now. She looked around, blinking, and slowly uncapped the bottle.

“No,” Sayo replied without looking at Lisa. She picked her guitar and began tuning on it, “has Minato- _san_ returned yet?”

“She’s still on the toilet,” Lisa replied. She pulled a chair and sat next to Sayo. “You know, back at the practice, you sounded really good.”

Sayo didn’t break a smile at the compliment. “Am I not supposed to?”

Lisa’s laugh was easy, “It’ll be more surprising if you’re not.”

Sayo watched Lisa through the corner of her eyes. The other girl was straightening her legs and humming a pop song that Sayo had accidentally heard on the radio; some trashy, cheap pop songs that people seemed to love these days. Sayo resisted the urge to roll her eyes.

“Is there anything else you want to say?”

“Oh, yeah that,” Lisa stared at her with a smile. “Like I said, you sound really good. I mean, your music is more intense than usual.”

“Is that bad?”

Lisa laughed. “Of course it’s good. I’m not saying that you played bad, but your technique is kinda stiff. Not a bad thing per se. It’s perfect, but a bit _too_ perfect, you know what I’m saying?”

Sayo turned around and gave Lisa a blank look. _Why did everyone have to speak in circles?_ She mused to herself. “And your point is…?”

Lisa looked a bit frustrated. She scratched her cheek and there was a frown on her pretty face. “Okay. What I meant to say is you sounded emotional. Like, you’re trying to suppress something but you can’t do that, so you poured everything you feel into your music and made it more intense,” she surmised with a wince. “Is that making any sense?”

Sayo’s face was blank, eerily serene. Her fingers were pressed neatly on the guitar strings. Her thumb slowly turned white.

“Did Hina say something to you?”

Lisa shook her head. “No,” she looked at Sayo, and then got suspicious.“You guys have a fight?”

Sayo turned her head to stare at the floor. Her eyes were brimming and she felt knots tangling on her stomach. Her subconscious reacted faster before her brain could rehearse any excuse.

She wanted to say _Hina said she hated me_ but she wouldn’t. It’s not Lisa’s problem, and disclosing personal matter was not something she would do in front of others.

Her voice that followed was soft. And bitter.

“Let’s just continue practicing.”

 

*

 

“Hey, sis.”

Sayo swallowed a curse. “What are you doing here?”

This week had been exhausting. Regional archery tournament was coming up and Sayo had to double her effort, juggling her time between Roselia, the club, and her own study. She was tired and couldn’t keep herself for being cranky even at the slightest inconvenience.

Hina was here, _the source of all her inconvenience was here_ —waiting for her in front of the school’s gate, and it took a lot from Sayo to stop herself from lashing out at Hina.

“Picking you up, of course,” Hina answered. She adjusted the strap of her guitar case around her shoulder. “Practice ended early today because Chisato- _chan_ had to shoot her new drama.”

“That’s pretty unprofessional of her.”

“She’s an actress before she’s an idol. I mean, she has her priorities,” Hina shrugged. “But we did great. The practice was fun and everyone was doing their best as usual.”

 “You sure you’re not just playing around with instruments and pretend to be a band?”

Her mouth pursed tightly as she swallowed her regrets. Hina’s silence was bothering her and Sayo hated it.

“Well,” Hina put a hand on her hips, “you can say that we have fun while doing what we love. Isn’t that what a band should be? Keeping everything fun?”

Sayo rolled her eyes. Her shoulder brushed Hina’s as she walked past her sister. “That won’t achieve anything.”

Hina soon followed after. She walked beside Sayo, but her steps were measured and there’s a respectable distance between them. Sayo noticed.

“So Roselia never had fun while practicing?”

“We’re striving to be the best and Minato- _san_ never tolerates inconsistency in our music. Of course, I have my own standard too, so there’s no room for error here.” She glanced at Hina, “you take your music seriously, don’t you?”

Hina smiled. She scooted closer to Sayo and their hands almost brushed. They were practically alone as they walked through the street. Sayo felt the afternoon breeze on her face and she closed her eyes. She caught the faint scent of Hina’s perfume; she never smelled it before and guessed that Hina probably improvised while creating it.

“You know, I started playing guitar on a whim,” Hina began. Her voice was soft as her fingers curled around Sayo’s wrist. “And then I saw you playing and I thought you look so cool, so determined. Your music is very beautiful, and somehow it makes me think that I should do the same too.”

Sayo reacted to that but she’s not strong enough to pry Hina’s hand off her. “You won’t be able to be a good musician if you don’t have a goal on your own.”

“I have a goal!” Hina insisted, “I really want to play on the same stage with you!”

Sayo snorted. “That won’t happen.”

“Why?”

Sayo stopped walking, turned around to face Hina, and all exhaustion she felt seemed to disappear almost too immediately. And Hina realized this too because she stopped smiling and her expression changed to something close like panicking.

“I’m sorry,” Hina muttered, looking at Sayo. “I didn’t mean to offend you or anything.”

Sayo chuckled. It sounded so bitter until Hina had to hold a wince. “Why are you doing this?” she asked, finally, and Sayo had no restraints anymore. “You tell me that you want to play together with me while at the same time you don’t have any idea why you’re playing guitar in the first place. It must be really easy for you to say things like that because you don’t even understand what struggle means!” she lashed everything through gritted teeth and her body was trembling.

The late afternoon sun washed the color of Hina’s hair and she looked oddly vulnerable. Hina opened her mouth slightly but nothing came out and Sayo glared back at Hina.

They stared at each other with questions without having any viable answers; they were born on the same day, sharing the same blood, but there’s no mutual understanding between them. It’s a weird dynamic if Sayo could put it mildly.

“I know you work really hard,” Hina replied. The intonation of Hina’s voice was weirdly misplaced and Sayo felt the knots on her stomach tighten. “Everyone notices—”

“No, stop,” Sayo’s voice was cool and biting. “Telling me that I work hard feels like you’re patronizing me—and that’s the last thing I want to hear from you,” she almost growled her answer. Her shoulders dropped at the sudden burden as she realized the weight of her words.

She didn’t wait for Hina to respond. Sayo turned and walked away from her sister. The strap of her guitar case dug into her skin through her uniform.

There were voices that told her that she should turn back and apologize because she’s just acting like a child. But Sayo’s not in the right track of mind right now. Everything was sort of bursting and the spaces between them seemed to grow more distant.

 

*

 

Hina often came back home late that week.

Sayo didn’t ask, but she listened in when Hina said to their mother that she had to practice for the upcoming Pastel*Palettes concert. That routine continued and Sayo was relieved because she could save herself from unwanted confrontation.

One night, Sayo found Hina sleeping on the couch, still in her uniform and her guitar lying carelessly on the floor. She wrinkled her nose in distaste. She knew Hina was exhausted but she could at least take care of her instrument.

Sayo picked up the guitar and put it back on its case.  Hina was snoring softly under her breath; her body looked small as she sprawled on the couch and Sayo could imagine Hina would have a hell of stiff neck tomorrow morning.

“Hina,” Sayo called, lightly tapping on Hina’s shoulder. The latter replied with an audible grunt. “Go sleep in your room.”

Hina didn’t respond. Practicing for a live event can be grueling if her experience with Yukina’s training regimen was any indication. And even though Sayo wanted to say that Roselia had a better standard, it would be unfair to compare her band with Pastel*Palettes. Roselia has a long-term goal; she and the others worked really hard to bring Roselia to a higher level. While Pastel*Palettes was an idol group that played music, a seasonal band that’s easily replaced with another disposable group.

Sayo wondered if Hina realized this too.

She shook her head. _There’s no need to think about it now._ Sayo was about to stand up when she felt fingers holding on her wrist. A scream threatened to crawl out of her throat at the cold touch, but as she looked down she saw her own face staring back at her with hooded eyes.

“Why are you here?” Hina reached forward and pulled Sayo closer to her, face paralleled with each other. Sayo didn’t move, more like she _couldn’t_ because she’s on her knees and the floor was too cold to her liking.

“I just want to get water,” Sayo replied. Her voice was carefully measured. Not too loud, but not too soft either. She took a good look at Hina’s face. “You’re not supposed to sleep here.”

“It’s comfy.”

The older twin rolled her eyes. “At least change your clothes first.”

Hina mumbled and buried her face on Sayo’s palm. Sayo wanted to pull away but that would mean she had to make Hina uncomfortable. Her mind wandered as she watched her sister sleeping, through accidents and arguments, and how universe seemed to love toying around without asking their permission.

Sayo raised a hesitant hand and reached out. She slipped her fingers on Hina’s hair; it’s smooth, soft, and Sayo remembered that she used to braid Hina’s hair when they’re young. Or maybe Hina did the braid herself? Sayo didn’t remember.

“I work hard too,” Hina’s voice was soft and sad. Too sudden, and Sayo wasn’t ready for any of it. “I’ll show you that I’m worthy of your praise.”

Sayo took a mouthful of breath through her teeth. The back of her eyes felt like burning. “Don’t talk when you’re sleeping,” she begged,“it only makes me harder to believe you.”

“I’m not lying,” Hina sighed. She pulled Sayo’s hand close and placed a kiss on each knuckle. Sayo could only look. “I’ll show you…”

Hina didn’t elaborate further and returned to her slumber, leaving Sayo alone with jumbled words and suffocating uneasiness. Their moment was short but there was a lot to take in. Hina could say the simplest thing and it’s enough to make Sayo’s skin crawl. Sayo was too pragmatic to let it get the best of her but she’s also aware, begrudgingly so, that Hina could make her feel thousands of unwanted feelings at the drop of a hat.

Maybe this was why she’s always losing to Hina.

 

*

 

“Where’s Hina?” she asked. It’s almost ten at night and there’s no sign of Hina would return home.

Mrs. Hikawa was just finished rinsing the dishes. She wiped her hand on the towel before answering the question. “She’s staying at Aya’s house tonight. Said she’s too tired to go home and tomorrow she needs to go to the agency early in the morning.”

Sayo frowned. “Wouldn’t that be an inconvenience for Maruyama?”

She gave a knowing smile. Sayo averted her gaze. “Are you worried?”

“No.” That was a lie but it’s better than telling the truth.

Mrs. Hikawa sighed. “Seems to me like you are,” she concluded, mostly to herself.

Sayo groaned. She always thought that she’s a good liar, but her mother was still staring at her and Sayo knew that maybe she’s not as smooth as she thought she was. “We had a fight.”

“Well, that’s very important information,” Mrs. Hikawa replied without adding too much pause.

Sayo ignored the blunt sarcasm and continued. “Hina said that she hated me,”Sayo stated, swallowing the grainy bitterness on her throat. “Of course she said it’s a joke, that she lost a bet and had to do it, but...” Sayo grimaced. She felt her eyes stung and she clenched her fingers. She really wished she could just stop now, “somehow I feel that she seriously hates me.”

“Why do you think like that?”

“I don’t know!” Sayo snapped. Her chest felt hot at the sudden burst of emotion. “I work really hard to become who I am right now and she doesn’t even know the half of it!” she growled and rubbed a hand on her face. “I keep playing the guitar because I know that’s the thing I’m good at, but Hina had to jump in, and even had the nerve to say that she wanted my praise like— _ugh_ …!”

Sayo felt shame rising as the realization sinking in: she’s just openly loathing Hina in front of her mother, and the fact that Mrs.Hikawa was looking at her with unreadable expressions only made things worse for her.

“Maybe she really does want you to praise her,” Mrs. Hikawa stated, and her voice was too soft for Sayo’s liking.

“Why would she even want that?!”Sayo shot back, each syllable punctuated with venom. “If she said that just to mess with me, then she’s just as despicable as she ever was!”

“And what about you?” Mrs. Hikawa asked again, the tone of her voice was careful. “Do you hate Hina?”

The question was brief but it’s enough to stop whatever nonsense that’d been raging inside Sayo’s mind. Angry tears rolled down her cheeks as she looked up to her mother. Mrs. Hikawa was still giving her the same look.

Sayo opened her mouth. But instead another excuse, there’s only a weak whimper that escaped her throat. And it fell down, chained down on her entire being until Sayo had trouble breathing.

“I don’t know…” she’s tired and it showed, as she looked down to hide her tearful face from her beloved mother.

 _She didn’t know_.

And that might be the truth, too.

 

*

 

On her bed, Sayo spent entire night staring at the ceiling with a heavy heart, asking questions, reaching answers, and found nothing aside from the deafening silence.

She pulled a pillow and covered her face, grunting.

It’s all Hina’s fault.

 

*

 

“You should come.”

A ticket dropped onto Sayo’s table. Sayo’s mouth was open; she was about to eat her lunch when Shirasagi Chisato decided to make her entrance. She stared at the bright colored printing, noticing that all members of Pastel*Palettes were present and smiling ever so brightly.

“Why are you giving me this?” she called out, staring back at Chisato’s unflinching gaze.

Chisato only smiled. “You don’t want to see your sister’s first live show?”

It’s on Saturday night. She had memorized all Roselia’s schedule and inwardly cursed when she realized that there’s no practice session that day.

“Are you going to say that you’re busy?”

Sayo snapped out from her reverie. Chisato’s face was unchanging; still with a polite smile that belying bluntness that made Sayo almost wince. Maybe it would’ve been easier for Sayo to dismiss the notion if she wasn't feeling too guilty about everything that happened for the past days.

“I have another thing to do.”

Chisato scoffed, chuckling. “You don’t sound too convinced.”

Maybe that’s the truth. Sayo’s still holding the ticket, her lunch was forgotten. She had seen Hina less and less this week, and while Hina always sent Sayo messages, Sayo wasn’t _kind_ or _brave_ enough to do the same to Hina. _I just need a space,_ that’s her excuse. Except now, when Chisato was bold enough to corner her, Sayo realized that maybe she’s just being a coward.

“Hina has been doing great,” Chisato said again. Her voice dropped to a softer, more caring tone. The condescending look that crested inside her eyes had wavered into a kinder shade of purple. “It’s not unusual to see her practicing with gusto, but she’s been a bit different lately,” Chisato shrugged, trying to find a more elaborative word, “she’s more serious, she paid more attention to details, it’s like she’s increasing her standard,” Chisato laughed softly, “and when I saw that, I thought she really looked like you.”

Sayo averted her gaze. “We _are_ twins.”

“That’s one way to put it,” Chisato said. She sighed, staring down at Sayo. “Something must have happened between the two of you, right?”

Sayo glared back. “You don’t need to know.”

“Of course it’s not my problem,” Chisato stated back without adding too much effort, “I’m just here to give you this ticket because Hina asked me to. Whether you want to come or not, it all depends on you.”

Sayo tried to calm herself. “Like I said, I have another thing to do that day.”

Chisato was calm. Everything about her was rehearsed: the air around her, the crease of her smile, the curve of her brows, and even her expression that hid her judgment. Sayo thought of herself not easily intimidated (it was her who usually intimidate people), but Chisato was an actress. She knew how to see people through the cracks of their masks, and Sayo didn’t want to know what Chisato thought about her.

It’s still unsettling when a stranger could easily make Sayo feel so bare like this.

“Whatever works,” Chisato ended their conversation before leaving Sayo.

Sayo read the ticket again.

The letters were glaring back at her in vengeance.

 

*

 

Maruyama Aya’s face was glistening in sweat when the spotlight shone down on her. “Thank you for coming!” she said with a wave of her hand, an expression of gratitude to everyone that came to their live show, and her smile was as dazzling as ever.

Pastel*Palettes looked like dolls. Frilly dresses, ribbons, colors, cute wedges and low-heels. They didn’t look like a band. Their instruments looked more like props, there’s no conviction in their music, and Sayo was baffled that most people here were interested in this… _faux band_ ’s music.

Sayo kept observing the band, taking notes that this group was great in building the show’s atmosphere. While Aya wasn’t the best in public speaking department, she was good at engaging with the audience.

Yamato and Wakamiya had their own quirks and the fans seemed to love it if their hearty laughter for those two was any indication. Chisato, again, was an actress. She kept her cool, she knew what to say, _when_ to say (she’s even making poor Aya flustered); she smiled freely, laughed easy as she unmasked herself from the actress façade she’s always hiding behind.

She wasn’t ready when it’s Hina’s turn to talk even though she realized that this was something she couldn’t control. If she had to be honest, Sayo always thought Hina as the unknown. Now, seeing Hina on the stage, holding on her guitar, the feeling grew more than ever. _I shouldn’t have come_ , she said to herself.

“You’re playing really good today Hina- _chan_!” Aya complimented, “I mean, we all know you’re good, but I think this is the first time I feel so many emotions while singing.”

“I think Hina- _san_ is full with the spirit of _bushido_ today,” Eve chirped. Sayo let out a chuckle. That one girl was… _unique_ , if she had to say so.

“I don’t think _Bushido_ has anything to do with playing guitar, Eve- _chan_ ,” she replied and the audience laughed again. “I’ve been practicing really hard for this show. I mean, this is _our_ first live show. I have to show my moves, right?” she pulled a solo and everyone gave her a loud cheer. The chord was rough but it was oddly Hina, carefree, _honest_.

“I won’t lose to Hina- _san_!” Maya responded by giving an impromptu drum solo. Maya’s beat was a bit off. God knows what would Yukina do if she caught Ako doing that during rehearsals—

Sayo stopped herself. She didn’t come here to compare Roselia and Pastel*Palettes.

“Time and place, children. We still have our audience here,” Chisato reminded the two goofballs and the atmosphere turned into more like a comedy skit rather than a concert.

Sayo looked up at the stage again and felt her heart almost dropped to her stomach when her eyes clashed with Chisato. Sayo cleared her throat, partially debating with herself if Chisato was really looking at her or she just happened to look at her direction. She’s standing quite far from the stage, surrounded by people who were taller than her, the only illumination only came from the penlights from the other audience. There’s no way Chisato would recognize her that easy.

“Back to the topic, this is our first live concert and we are really looking forward to it. Everyone’s here is anticipating our performance too right?” Aya’s smile got wider at the affirmation from the audience.  “The girls and I are very grateful to be here, to be able to sing and play our music in front of you. It makes me kinda… happy, in a sad way,” she laughed to herself while wiping a stray tear off her cheek.

“What Aya- _chan_ meant to say is she’s looking forward for another chance to perform,” Chisato surmised, giving a knowing smile to Aya, before facing the audience again. “I, too, am looking forward to showing more side of Shirasagi Chisato as the bassist of Pastel*Palettes.”

The MC continued and Sayo, against her rational mind, decided to stay until it ended. Her attention was now on Hina; her little sister holding that big guitar in her small arms and playing such heartfelt music with it. Sayo felt proud, sad, then it changed to proud and sad. The feeling was bittersweet at best and she couldn’t decide whether she should embrace it or pushing it away like she always did.

Maybe this was one of the rare occasions where she wanted to accept what she’s feeling and just be… _true._ But there’s always a complication, there’s Hina, and there’s her own pride that refused to bow down to anyone. She’s weird, a bullhead, a bit desperate too, but for once, Sayo wanted to be honest.

 

 

*

 

Hina definitely had a superpower.

Okay, maybe superpower was a bit of a reach, but Sayo couldn’t find the exact words when she saw Hina sprinting through the hallway, still in that stupid costume, towards her and able to dodge the staffs without even tripping on her own heels.

“Sis,” Hina breathed, staring at Sayo’s face. Exhaustion was prominent on her face but the glimmer in Hina’s eyes wasn’t too hard to miss. “Chisato- _chan_ said she saw you so I just went straight here. Thank god you’re not home yet.”

Sayo looked away, flushing. So Chisato really did see her. “I got the ticket,” she rubbed the back of her neck. “This was the least I could do.”

“I’m glad,” Hina said. She took a step forward but didn’t do anything to touch Sayo. There’s a hesitation, that much Sayo understood. “Did you enjoy the show?”

“It’s not bad, but not too good either.”

Hina chuckled, shaking her head. “We can’t all become like Roselia,” she answered, almost too immediately.

“Right,” Sayo agreed. She noticed that Hina was breathing a little slower, her cheeks were red and sweat was glistening on her forehead. Hina was still waiting for her, in a silent anticipation, and Sayo was weirded out with this uncanny circumstances. “You sounded good back there.”

“I’m glad to hear that from you,” Hina laughed, scratched her cheek, and leaned onto the wall.

“That's not a compliment,” Sayo scoffed.

“Of course,” Hina relented, shoulders dropping as if she surrendered. “You’re not giving out compliments to a performance like that. Your standard and all…”

They went quiet. Sayo shifted on her feet, feeling dazed and confused. She didn’t have any plan, didn’t even know what she had to say, and reality hit her in a way that she hated. Things had been happening too fast and Sayo realized that she should come to terms with her own feelings.

“I’m going to say this quickly,” Sayo began, taking a shaky breath. “When you said you hate me, I almost wished it was true,” Sayo murmured, voice almost trembled. “If you hate me, at least it’ll be easier for me to do the same to you.”

Hina’s eyes widened almost comically at the sudden confession. “Sis, I told you—”

“Let me finish, Hina,” Sayo raised her hand and Hina closed her mouth. “I have a lot of things to prove. I can’t do anything aside from moving forward, but seeing you—I always feel angry every time I see you. Like this,” she made a motion with her hand. “Like when you said to my face that you adore me, that you play guitar because of me, I don’t know how to make that—or even how to handle that. You make everything so easy, and maybe that’s why I hate you in the first place!”

Hina twined her fingers into Sayo’s hair and pulled her forward. It happened too fast; Sayo’s face was in Hina’s shoulder, her mouth pressed against the skin, and Sayo held onto Hina like she’s the only lifeline Sayo ever had.

“I don’t mind if you hate me,” Hina said against her hair, fingers pressing on the scalp. “You do what you have to, and even if it means that we have to drift apart, I will forever have your back because that’s the last thing I can do.”

“Hina, you just don’t understand a thing, do you?” Sayo asked. Her voice cracked. “What I feel for you is despicable. I don’t even have the right to call myself your sister with how I treat you,” she closed her eyes and buried her face deeper into Hina’s clothes. The back of her eyes began pricking.

“There are times when I hate you, when I think that you’re being unfair,” Hina’s voice was too close. Sayo heard a sigh. “But then I think that I can’t just do that—hating you is impossible. I always look at you, and I realize that… you’re probably the loneliest person I’ve ever known,” Hina’s voice sharpened. “You do everything on your own with a confidence that I don’t even have, and you’ll fight everything that comes across your path.”

Sayo bit her lip. Her throat tightened. “I have to become better,” the voice that came out from Sayo’s mouth was unfamiliar; it sounded vulnerable. She pulled back, smoothing her hands along Hina’s arms, and looked at Hina through blurry eyes. “I must move forward because that’s what I know.”

Hina sent a smile to a concerned-looking staff and said that she’d need more time. The other members were definitely looking for her. Sayo stared down at her shoes, hands still holding onto Hina’s. Her little sister was also quiet, preferring to observe Sayo. There’s no answer; there’s not even a right way to do this.

“I understand,” Hina said finally, “I can’t ask you to act otherwise,” Hina’s fingers framed around Sayo’s face, thumb wiping at the stray tears. “Maybe you’ll get angry again at me, maybe I’ll be able to hate you back. And maybe we will blame each other for the mistakes we both make or whatever—” Hina’s voice dropped to a whisper. She was smiling and didn’t seem to realize that tears were rolling down her cheeks.

Nothing came from Sayo. She wouldn’t say a thing, not now, not like this, not when Hina was too vulnerable and she didn’t have any strength to face any of it.

“Sis,” Hina was still holding her face, “please, listen to me.”

Sayo listened, and she understood. Hina was still smiling, _crying_ but that smile was still present on her face, and Sayo realized that she missed Hina a lot. And that’s not because Hina’s not at home.

There was a history between them, years of love, jealousy, and silent rivalry—those years where Sayo remembered that she loved Hina and was foolish enough to let that precious feeling slipping away. There was a regret, and maybe Sayo would tell Hina one day.

Sayo pushed forward. Her mouth landed on Hina’s forehead and time seemed to slow down.

“I hear you,” Sayo’s mouth brushed against the skin.

 _I’m sorry, please give me a chance to do it right_ , that she didn’t say. Instead, she kissed Hina again. When she pulled back, Hina’s smile was blinding.

“Let’s go home,” she said, holding Sayo’s hand upon her chest, “I have a lot of things to say to you.”

Sayo laughed, more like sobbed and didn’t bother to wipe the tears. “We are not really good with words.”

“Then we can play music together,” Hina met her gaze, “and please don’t say no this time.”

Sayo felt like she still had a long way to make things right with Hina, but this was the first step she should take. There’d be heartbreaks, anger, misunderstanding, and everything else in between. Hardship was inevitable but she had no other choice but moving forward.

“Sure,” Sayo finished too.

And that’s just the start.


End file.
